The family is the basic unit of the social system. The process of establishing the family unit under Tarok traditions begins with the dating of a lady. Dating is defined as a process of cultivating a lasting confidence by earning the good will of a woman. This begins with seeing the lady, admiring and appreciating her personal attributes as a woman. Subsequently, the gesture of advances is either made by conduct or direct verbal approach to secure her attention and state of mind. If the gesture is by conduct then the general communication is reduced to body language until such a time that it will no longer be concealed where the parties actions will present their commitments to each other openly for people to see and judge. At this stage, one can hear people commenting publicly that the parties are in love with each other without necessary having establish the gesture of approach.
Dating is known as ngya in Tarok traditions while multiple dating is referred to as nbak ngya. Multiple dating is a process where a young lady of married age is allowed to keep as many suitors as possible before taking the final decision of choice amongst them. Nbak ngya as a dating process creates room for healthy competition between admiring suitors. At this stage every one of them struggles to proof his capacity to protect her interest better. It can be very rancorous but the more the merrier for the lady. In this healthy traditional competition, the admiring men brings assorted gifts to the lady who even though does not document but keeps records of all gifts in tact and does not utilize them until the day of decision making has come and gone.
In the time past, the process of dating begins with nvok ngya, which means testing acceptability which normally is by presenting a mat (ndakal) to the lady who will accepts and keep it. Another person can also bring his own she will do like wise. In some circumstances, the lady may accepts as many as seven to eight toasters. These toasters are free to visit her anytime to canvass her confidence to choose them on the day of decision making. These mats collected by her are kept meticulously by her mother in her room know as nbuk. The relationship between a tarok woman and her daughter is quite intimate that there is nothing she does with toasters that is kept out of her knowledge. She is the custodian of every gift presented to the lady and remains the only witness in event of any dispute arising after she determined her choice.
When a lady is convinced that out of the numerous toasters she has found her would be husband she will inform her mother who in turn communicates the father. The father will commune with his extended family thereafter, a date is agreed upon for public decision making. On the appointed day all the toasters will be on ground while the lady together with the extended family members will assemble in front of Nkalang. Nkalang is a round hurt with two doors which serves both as exclusive office of a Tarok man for meetings with fellow men and also as main entrance into the compound. Men usually gather their to receive orim (masquerades) during nche orim (masquerade festival). The orim will advance to Nkalang to bless the men which is known as nak nrusok.
When all are gathered, then all the mats collected by the lady are displayed one after the other depending on the number collected. After that the lady is invited the elderly female of the family to exercise her right of choice. At this point the lady who would have been seated amongst the women will walk out and remove the mat of her choice. The anointed toaster from that point becomes responsible for every of her material needs which also involved providing communal labour to work on her mini farm. He can visit her, even spend the night with her but to the extend that he does not attempt to have sex with her. They will sleep together on the same mat but he cannot extend his hand to touch her. Any corrupt gesture made in the night to the lady will be related to the mother the following day which will nullify the entire covenant to marry her. When that happens, the chosen suitor is considered as irresponsible, who is not worthy of been trusted. This singular act automatically annuls the confidence of the lady and her family. It also ends the relationship. Then the lady's family will be convey the annulment to the suitors family.
From every indications the Tarok traditional dating system reveals interesting values. The Tarok lady has the right of keeping many toasters pending when she settles for a reliable one based on her judgment. Secondly, the men are kept in a healthy competition of establishing their capacity of taking matrimonial challenges by courting the confidence of the lady. Lastly, when the decision is finally made the anointed suitor has un impeded access to the lady but must prove his worth of having self control over his emotions. The period of dating avails the parties opportunity of cultivating intimacy with the lady reserving the rights of her pride of womanhood. An average traditional Tarok dating is full of hope and has little or no room for pains or heart breaks because sex remains unexploited until in marriage. This aspect of the dating relationship is carefully monitored by the mother of lady with daily counseling about the hazard or temptation of giving in to the man before marriage. This was the dating system of Tarok people which has been affected considerably by western values. Even though there are relics of these rich culture but obtainable among people considered as primitive Tarok or at best traditionalists where the authority of orim cult (masquerades) still dictates the course of events.
Contemporary dating practices amongst the modern Tarok has been diluted by mostly borrowed traditions that lack roots amongst the heritage of the people. Dating has taken the western pattern of monogamy, the one man, one wife philosophy of he who created them created them man and woman. It has limited the rights of the lady of maintaining multiple toasters to the dictates of only one person. It is considered immoral for a lady to maintain multiple toasters because of the simple fact that modern dating is anchored of sexual exploit of the lady therefore it cannot accommodates rivalry. This development has introduced suspicion in dating instead of building confidence in the prospective lovers as every gesture from the lady is interpreted with moral binoculars. Dating relations of today is characterized by bitterness, heart breaks, fail promises, sexual exploitation and unprecedented pains witnessed on both sides. The modern practice appears not to protect the lady any more rather it keeps her on the defensive thereby promoting the attitude of pretence and deceit to sustain a relationship.
Worst still the modern young man enjoined undue advantages in dating compared to the traditional multiple dating system. He determined the contents of the relationship depending on the size of his pocket. He hires and fires ladies at will even after exploiting the pride of womanhood yet no available sanctions except may be the day of judgement. Who knows such men may find Favour with God like the arm robber who died with Christ on the Cross but made Heaven at the last minute. There are so many female victims of such failed relationships scared all over Tarok land. Sadly, most of them with these bitter experiences had lost confidence in men, hence little prospects of even marrying. The inability of the modern dating to develop check mechanism to protect rights of both parties is responsible for most of the social crisis bedeviling Tarok society.
It is my candid opinion that the modern dating relationship is exploitative and does not protects the Tarok lady. Even though there are some immoral practices blamed on the ladies, the system deprived them of rights of self discovery. Therefore, there is the need for review the entire dating system to bring it into conformity. Any person that dis virgins a lady should be made to marry her of pay some sort compensation to her as it was the tradition. It is unfair to subject a lady to such situation sometimes resulting into pregnancy without any responsibility. The payment of this compensation in my opinion will in no small measure reduce the exploitative tendencies of the modern Tarok man.
It should be noted that the future of every society depends solely on the nature and experiences of dating system which ultimately is the process of family formation. The current moral decadence is worrisome which requires the attention of all.
Written by Solomon Selcap Dalung, LLB, LB, LLM
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